Recipe for an elite back garden roasting

What’s the secret ingredient to a great back garden roasting? Bovril. Invite your journo friends round for a late afternoon roasting. If they can walk there,tell them to come to the barbecue.Dont tell them to come to to the barbecue if they´ve got a bike, but if they can walk come to the barbecue. They can also come to the barbecue if they have a bike,but if they don´t have a bike or can´t ride a bike they can´t come to the barbecue.Tell them to read DVLA regulations on poor eyesight and if they are having trouble with their eyes, tell them to take a short drive in their car, but even better when they arrive pretend you are still in Durham.First and foremost tell them to "STAY ELITE" at all times.If they cant stay elite or have always been elite or cant come to the barbecue tell them to go to their second home.

Always consult with your wife about what you should wear.Tea cosy man or tracksuit and hoodie is not a good look for a barbecue.
Make sure you allow enough times for a delay to the scheduled time for your barbecue to start.(allow at least 30 minutes).Say "Hi there" smugly when your guests arrive and when in conversation always talk to them contemptuously. 
Always remember you are better than your guests.
Always lie to them,even your bestest friends will spread fake news about you.Never apologise if anything goes wrong.

Before your guests arrive
Lightly brush your meat with some Beefy British Bovril before cooking. It adds an extra taste element called ‘umami’ – the fifth taste after salt, sweet, sour and bitter. It really makes a difference.